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I am in my psychology class right now and half way through with about 1.5hrs to go. This is where I stop paying attention and just stick around for brownie points! I wouldn't consider my teacher a GOOD teacher...he is a nice guy, and he holds interesting class discussions and tries to involve us, but he's got kind of a cluster fuck way of teaching. Most of my actual learning will come from taking my own notes from what I've read in my notebook on my own time. Plus, it's fucking HOT in this room. And ONLY this room. I think the a/c is broken in here. Yumyum.

Last time I was in this class (last week) I vomited in front of everyone while coming down with a stomach flu. It seems it only bred sympathy, as I have yet to notice anyone avoiding me or giving me weird looks :P

I got a postcard in the mail today....Before he left, the boy told me he would send me a postcard from Scotland. He was only going to be gone for a week so I knew that I would see him again before the postcard even made it's way into Canada. When he returned I asked him if he got around to sending me a postcard. He OH SO VERY convincingly told me that he didn't get the chance and that he was sorry and "next time". NOT a big deal but I was ho-hum about it. Today...I received my postcard :). I got tricked! On the postcard he wrote, among other things like how much he misses me hehe, "when I return I'm going to tell you that I didn't get a chance to send you a card. Why? Because I like to surprise you!"

What a sweet cheeks. 

Ok, going to try to focus here again...

Or try to remember how to get back to my car in whatever random residential street I parked it. And I'll trying to retrace my steps in the dark. Yikes. Damn you Mt. Royal and your Conservatory

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One great night of humpalumpin' on the 25th of May. Welcome to the world, kid.

I will be reading this to him today:

This is essentially my goodbye letter. I've done all I can to be the person you want me to be, and you still walked all over me. The only time you are interested in being with me is when I am naked. You do not spend any time in my presence otherwise, and you are out of there as soon as possible. You barely even touch me after we have sex. You treat me like one would treat a hooker. You are using me for sex, and don't think I don't notice.
I could barely get you to see me to get the morning after pill, it was like I had a gun to you just to get you out.

You're smart enough to know that I have been allowing this because of my feelings for you. I love you, so I let you disrespect me. I let you use me. You know that while this was purely sexual for you, I've been waiting and hoping and praying that you would come around and love me again. I'm so angered at the fact that you are abusing my feelings for you, using them to get what you want from me. You're well aware of what you're doing. You're knowingly and willingly using someone's love for you for your sexual satisfaction. And that is all you care about. You. I even doubt whether you love your father, or just love his usefulness to you. You could give a damn about me, or anyone else for that matter. I never, ever thought that it was okay to cheat, but now I understand why, and am completely sympathetic towards your ex's decision to outside of the relationship and cheating on you. Now, I realize you deserved it. I've entertained the thought myself, for the first and hopefully the last time in my life. I do not think you deserve to have anyone's heart, for anyone to care for you, for anyone to waste their time being committed to you or putting any of their energy into you. You will chew them up and spit them out and use and abuse them, like the cowardly boy you are. To call yourself a man is a joke.

You can change my mind on all of these things. It's up to you, not me. If things do not change today, if you do not make a commitment today, I will leave here and I will be happy to have such a toxic person out of my life. No one has treated me as poorly as you have in the past 6 months.

I wish you all the best in the future, but I have a feeling that the things you've done will come back to haunt you one day. Good luck.

So I've learned a few things over the past week or so. Things I *knew* before, but I guess forgot or didn't care about while I was in this relationship. I would jot something down every time I made a realization, so here it is compiled into a neat little list. Now, I know it kind of sounds like I'm blaming myself for everything, but believe me when I say that I know that he has played a huge role in this, so don't read into my self blame too much.

1) Do not lose yourself in a relationship.

2) Think about what you're going to say before you do so. Think about how you would feel if someone said it to you.

3) Live for yourself first. Love yourself first.

4) You pushed him away.

5) You loved him, but selfishly.

6) You had just about complete disregard for his feelings. You didn't know it at the time, but that's the truth.

7) Don't ever pass up amazing opportunities because you are scared to leave the one you love.

8) You took the relationship way, way too seriously.

9) Only you can make you happy.

Oh, and the first day on the job was pretty much perfect. :) 

I went for lunch today with a few of my old co workers. I felt a little out of it (like how you feel the day after you take sleeping pills or cold and flu meds) so it was hard for me to keep track of the conversation; BUT! I realized I have some good people there who really care about me and want only the best for me. It feels great to realize these things.

FRIENDS are the shit. :P

Could I ever be his friend?

I don't think so. I don't think I could handle knowing about or hearing about other girls in his life, even years down the road. And I don't think that's a fair friend. "You can talk to me about anything, except your love life. That is off limits." I donno, doesn't sound very friendly to me. Sounds like a half friend. But...maybe in a few years I wont mind. Maybe.

I just can't see it in the near future. I can't know that he is with anyone else.

3 days since it happened.  3 days since he left me.

I spent most of the weekend moping around alone. I took some time to think. Now I'm attempting to get on with things.

I still miss him. I still feel a real, physical ache in my chest. My heart still hurts when I smell him on my pillow, or when I see or hear anything that reminds me of him. Which is just about everything right now. When I moved my things to my step dad's today, I looked at the couch in the basement and remembered when I fell asleep on him on that couch just soon after we met. I'm pretty sure he lay there half awake until about 3am until he had to go. When I packed my books today, I remembered sitting on the floor telling him all about my favourite books, and reading passages from them. When I see a certain motorcycle he likes, again I think of him. And lucky me, there are TWO of those bikes back at my step dad's.

When something happens that I'm excited about, like the job offer, the first thing I do is grab my phone to call or text him the good news. And the moment I realize that I can't go through with that call, I feel the pain again. I do have other people to share with, but he was genuinely happy for me. Everyone else offers their congratulations, but they aren't as happy for me as he would be. I miss that like crazy. Things are going well in my life right now, and the only person I want to celebrate with is him.

It will take some time to get over that, but I'm already feeling really great about my life. I've been down for...months and months. Sometimes you don't even realize how unhappy you are. You don't even know that you're depressed, until you wake up one day and realize "this isn't me. Where the hell did I go these past few months?".  Sure, I had good weeks, good days, maybe even a good month; but at the end of the day, I've changed a lot since last year, in an incredibly negative way.

Once I realized this, I longed for the days when I was happy, laid back, care free. I've been taking control of my life. I lost myself in my relationship, but I have now realized that I cannot rely on someone else to make me happy. So I'm taking charge. And I already feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders, like a big dark black cloud has finally drifted away. I'm EXCITED about what's to come. I can't wait for each new day, I even wake up at 5am every morning because I'm so anxious to get the day started. It's really great, I can't wait to see what happens next.

I feel the loss and accept it. I'm rebuilding myself but all I do is just keep thinking about what I had. I'm not trying to make sense of things anymore. I'm tired of missing him, missing us, missing the love, the companionship. I'm over the break up and the cheating, but I'm not over him. This loss is monumental, it's ridiculous that I find myself catching thoughts of him and imagining myself telling him how much I miss him or want to be with him. It's crazy, I know logically speaking, what he did, I will not tolerate. Another emotional part of me, just wants him back so badly.

I just want to hold him and kiss him and feel like everything will be alright. The very essence of who I am is composed of sadness, anger and frustration. I don't know how to let go, I'm not even sure if I'm really letting go or holding ever so tightly. There are so many things I want to tell him and share with him. I can't get it through my thick skull, the attachment is gone. I can't do this to myself. I'm moving on and will make it through this, but part of me doesn't.

He lingers in my head, my heart and my soul. And it won't let me go. 

I never liked the idea of your friendship with your ex. But I dealt with it, I tried to hold my tongue when she would text you when we were together. And you more often than not responded to her. Despite the dirty looks she gave me when I met her, despite how you would compare me to her, openly - I dealt with it. I didn't want to be that controlling bitch of a girlfriend who thinks she can choose who you befriend. I wanted so badly to be confident in our relationship - I still want to. 

I need a break.